Grace-Based Parenting: Part II

Part II

After reading a library copy of Grace-Based Parenting, I received a new copy of the book from a still-anonymous friend a couple weeks later. In my last post I mentioned that I read the first copy before our holiday trip north and decided to look through the second copy after we got home. It seems the timing was just right; extensive traveling combined with the extravagance of Christmas did not bring out the best in our family.

All I could think during my second time through the book was that I want us to be a grace-filled family. And we are not there yet. Dr. Kimmel describes grace-based parents as calm, dedicated Christ followers, focused on giving love, purpose and hope to their children. Adam and I love our children, but are we consistently calm when we interact with them regardless of how they behave? Are we primarily focused on the long-term goal of giving our kids the security, significance, and strength they need?

Um… not really. We’re mainly just trying to get through each day without yelling at our little miracles.

The other day I reread the chapter on hope. Dr. Kimmel points out that infants begin life in a state of complete dependence and helplessness. He writes, “If you strap a four-month-old child in a high chair and leave him there, there is absolutely nothing he can do to get out of it. He is stuck there until you lift him out. An infant left on his own for long periods of time this way is taught that no matter how much he hopes for relief, no relief is coming. If there are enough scenarios like this in his early life, he could assume that there isn’t much in life worth putting his hope in.” Later, he adds, “Children develop hope when they have loving parents ready to sacrifice to meet their helpless needs.”

When I read Kimmel’s words, I felt my eyes start to well up with tears. We are expecting our third baby in 6 weeks or so, and I can’t wait to see her sweet little face for the first time. I can’t wait to watch Sky and Micah get to know their baby sister. I can’t wait to see if she takes after her daddy’s side of the family or mine. I’m counting the days till she’s in my arms and I can kiss her soft cheeks.

But I’m also scared. Scared of the love a new life requires. Scared that if I’m already falling short as a mom, what does that mean for this new little one? Dr. Kimmel is right—babies are completely dependent in every way. And what they need, even as they outgrow complete dependence, is sacrificing love.

Dr. Kimmel says that parents cannot give grace to their children unless they are first walking in God’s grace themselves. And when I remember that, I’m filled with relief. My first job as a parent is to be a child in God’s family. That means paying close attention to the way God takes care of me—resting in it, soaking it up, and then pouring it out to my family. God is always available to listen and He tells me to cast my cares on Him. He provides for me and reminds me not to worry. He helps me make good decisions. He stands for truth and draws clear boundaries. He disciplines me in love, but He never brings up my past mistakes or tries to shame me into changing my behavior. He is a God of forgiveness and new beginnings.

I am not God. I know I’ll continue to fall short as a mom. But sometimes just meditating on God as my parent is enough to fill me with gratitude and joy and the energy I need to keep trying.