The other day at the store I loaded my groceries onto the belt, trying to make sure my little “helpers” didn’t drop the eggs. Suddenly I heard someone screaming. I looked up and realized the woman in front of me had two toddlers in a double stroller and two slightly older kids hanging off her cart. A mom with four little kids! As we are expecting baby #4 in January, I watched her in fascination.
The toddlers were both yelling when one of the older kids suddenly grabbed a bag of goldfish from the stroller and accidentally ripped the bag, sending goldfish flying into the air. “What are you doing?!” the mom cried out. The yelling from the stroller intensified. The mom got down in the face of one toddler and sternly told him to be quiet. He calmed down, but only until she turned to the other boy, then the first one started yelling again. They tag-teamed her like that until the cashier interrupted with the total for her groceries.
I had a strong urge to hug the mom, but she was clearly busy so I held back.
As she paid for her groceries she noticed me and said, “Look how well behaved your kids are!” My kids were staring at hers in awe, probably jealous of all the crazy fun they were having. I laughed and said, “Yes, for the moment.” We had a quick, distracted conversation. She has a six year old, a four year old, and twin two-year-olds. “That was an experience!” she said about having twins. She asked about my kids and I told her they’re five, three, and 17 months, with baby #4 on the way. “Great! Congratulations!” she said as she headed for the door.
For some reason I got a little teary-eyed as I left the store a few minutes later. Was it fear from that quick glimpse into my future? Or relief to randomly find a kindred spirit? I’m a bit emotional these days and I’m blaming it all on pregnancy hormones.
But I know there’s more to it than that. These past few months have been so very humbling for me as a mom. I am beyond thankful for my children and all the life and laughter they bring into our house. My kids are bright, hilarious little people. There are days when I’m sure I have the best job in the world.
But I have also never felt like more of a failure than I have this year of my life.
Sometimes after the toddler’s been up crying at night (and I’ve given her a bottle to get her back to sleep), and my older two won’t stop fighting (and I’ve somehow joined the argument instead of stopping it), and my three-year-old once again refuses to go anywhere near the potty (and I’m at a loss for what to do about it), I find myself wondering, is this how I’m supposed to be feeling as a mother? Totally inadequate at least half the time?
I realize that most of these issues are age-related and one way or another, Lord willing, we will all survive these early years. My children might all even end up potty-trained some great and glorious day many years down the road.
But here’s what I’m starting realize: what my children do and who they eventually become is not in my control. Yes, I have great influence in their lives. But even if I do everything “right” and follow biblical principles for godly parenting to the very best of my ability, my kids will still be sinners. They might not be happy or healthy or successful. Worst of all, they might choose not to follow Jesus.
Recently my brother Hans, who himself has four kids age four and under, recommended a book to me called Give Them Grace. Author Elyse Fitzpatrick says that every time my children disobey, I should see my reflection in their actions. Because the truth is that most of the time, I’m sinning right alongside them. They’re screaming and hitting each other, and I’m more upset about being interrupted than I am about the condition of their little hearts. We are all in this sinful mess together.
But every fight, every meltdown, every tantrum is a chance to give grace to my children and myself. To say to my kids, “We are all selfish sinners. You are selfish and I am selfish. Isn’t it amazing that Jesus died to save us anyway? He is our only hope.” Lately I’ve been praying less that my kids will just obey me and more that they will see how desperately they need a Rescuer. And I’m more aware than ever of just how much I need rescuing too.
Of course we all want to bring God glory through beautiful, happy, well-behaved children. “That is a good desire,” writes Fitzpatrick, “but a strong, successful family may not be the way he has chosen for us to glorify him… What if he’s going to use our failure and our children’s rebellion to make us humble comforters of other sufferers for his glory?”
If I had my act together, that concept would probably be very unsettling. But I don’t. I’m often exhausted and uncertain. At least once a day I find myself surprised, wondering, how do I handle this? I love thinking about our new baby on the way, but sometimes the idea of 2014 scares me. I wonder how I’ll ever be able to give each of my four little ones what they need when they all need so much from me all the time.
But Fitzpatrick says I should let go of the “good mom” identity I’m chasing. The truth is I will always fall short. I will always need a Rescuer. Instead I should ask God to show me how he’s at work in each challenging situation, trust him to use even my failures for his glory, and thank him for the weaknesses that keep me “pinned close to the Lord.”
I love this post, Linni. You speak the rough reality of mothering. Good for you for voicing it, and how wonderful you’ve discovered this truth while your children are still young. BTW, easier years ARE coming!
You can say that part about easier years coming as much as you want to me.
My Dear Linnea,
Thanks so much for writing this. I am in tears and I am not pregnant! My three are 4, turning 3 this weekend, and 6 months. Thanks for sharing what goes on in so many mom’s hearts openly. I’ve often joked about how people would elevate me for going all over the world to tell people about Jesus because this is the hardest ground for me to stand– at home. For me, not saying for everyone, this is the hardest job and the most refining place–just raising 3 adorable, naughty, smart, loving children with the thought that I might even have more! Anyway, so grateful to you… and praying for you.
Love,
Sara
I agree with you completely! In many ways it’s much harder than missions. But I wouldn’t want to do anything else. Thank you for your sweet words. Miss you!
Linni, You are way ahead of the process, by recognizing ALL that you have voiced, and realizing that each day, you and your children, need the Holy spirit of Jesus to rescue you. WE all need that and most of us learn it after the empty nest or near that stage. Being a “good” mother is our own definition, which is difficult to live up to, not God’s definition. That really goes with any definition that we attach to each role in our lives-friend, sister, daughter, wife, etc. It is natural for we mothers, to feel likes our children’s behavior is a reflection of how well we mother, but the truth is as you already pointed out-“we are all sinners” and those little people act out what we have learned to reign into control, even when we feel the same way. It is so true that you can do all the things right to raise them in a godly home, but they will still have a will to choose their path as teens and adults. You and Adam are planting the seeds which will be in their hearts forever. Some will grow sooner than others. The best you both can do is share your insights of your walk with God with them, each day, making Him as real to them as He becomes to you both. My redeeming statement as a mother, has always been “God is bigger than my mess ups” and I felt like I did quite a bit of that, daily. We can all praise God for the renewed grace given for each new day set before us, especially when we look ahead to the future, unable to see what is measured out for us.
He is bigger than our mess-ups and he can use them for his glory! Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Oh, Linni! You have learned a very valuable lesson at a very early age!! Relax. God, indeed, is in control. As our heavenly parent, he lovingly uses our disobedience teaching us valuable life lessons through it. He is our Model. You are one smart cookie to have grasped this. Love you!
Love you too!
Precious Linni,
The above replies are so ‘right on’…..and as a 75 yr aged person, I go daily, to the ‘grace pool’ and submerge myself.
In retrospect, we are our own worst critics, and you are as normal as the sunshine, sweetie.
I’m so proud of you and Adam, as parents /individuals. I’m sure you’ve heard this before..”parenting is a ‘learn as you go operation’.” None of us are going to do a perfect job at it, but praise God, when He is in control of your life, you know, He’s blessed you to be a blessing, and raising a family is (as far as I’m concerned) the ‘untimate blessing’, themost challenging job, and when we’ve done our best, we know we can depend on Him to do the rest. it may not seem like it while walking through it, but 0 – 17 is the easiest part. Letting them go to become the adults you’ve worked so hard for, the most difficult. This is where the “you’ve done your best, God will do the rest” comes in, even though He’s been helping all along, that season ofyour life is over, and since ‘seasons’ only exist on earth, as does time, God is forever!
May His blessings upon you be ‘showers without end’, and I’m sure many will be blessed because you expressed your heart. What a treasure you are.
Love you so very much,
GG
*HUGS* You’re livin’ the good life
And I love that you know it. Appreciating the struggles as well as the delights is a perfect place for growth! xoxo