A Helper

Today would have been my parents’ 42^nd wedding anniversary, except God took my dad to heaven two years ago. But this post is not about death. It’s about love and the best piece of marriage advice I’ve ever heard, which came from my mom as she and my dad faced the biggest challenge of their lives—my father’s terminal cancer.

By the time my dad was diagnosed, pancreatic cancer had spread throughout his body. He looked okay on the surface. He wasn’t feeling the best, but he was still working every day as a lawyer in Chicago. The doctors, however, knew how quickly the cancer was moving. They told us he might have six months to live. It turned out to be six weeks. Every day his body grew weaker. Soon he had to stop working. Then he stopped eating. Eventually hospice came to our house and set up a hospital bed for him downstairs. My mom, a solid believer, trusted that God knew what He was doing, but she was still scared. She was especially nervous about my dad’s final days. What would they be like? Would he be in great pain? How would she cope with it?

In the end, my mom was as faithful as a wife could be. She took care of my dad with such sweetness, and although she cried her share of tears, she stayed calm, even as death came right into the house. The night my dad passed away, she was at his side, holding his hand and kissing him goodbye.

Later, my mom shared her secret on her blog. One night just after my dad’s diagnosis, she found herself in a panic over past mistakes in their marriage and all that loomed ahead. She cried out to God, asking what she should do, and felt God respond with this: “Be to Nate what I created all wives to be: a helper. If you do that, you’ll please him and also me.” From that point on whenever she found herself at a loss for what to do, she’d hear those words in her head—“be a helper”—and she’d go refill my dad’s water or help him put on his socks.

My mom has expressed regret that helping my dad wasn’t her main goal throughout her marriage, and that at times she tried to change him or manipulate him to do what she wanted. I can’t say I witnessed any of that. I only saw my parents treating each other with respect and love. But the main thing I remember about their marriage is the very end of it, and the way my mom helped my dad.

Sometimes I like to make things more complicated than they are. But my mom is right. My top priority as Adam’s wife is simple. Help him. I hope with all my heart I can do that today.

“Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” – Genesis 2:18